The End of A Journey

This is my final post on this blog.

These last 8 months have come to a close.

For the longest time I couldn't clearly see through my valley of death.

Finding comfort in my faith in God, I tried to wait patiently on Him to get me to the end.
Whether the end of this journey or the end of my journey on earth, I knew He would be with me.
I prayed so many times to be done with this life's journey.
But I never really looked so much on the very last phrase of Psalm 73:

"Nevertheless I Am continually with you;

You hold me by my right hand.

You will guide me with Your counsel,

And afterward receive me to glory.

Whom have I in heaven but You?

And there is none upon earth that I desire besides You.

My flesh and my heart fail;

But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever...

It is good for me to draw near to God;

I have put my trust in the Lord God,

That I may declare all Your works."

Psalm 73

He was with me the whole way.

He kept me.

He has brought me and Blaire through so that we "may declare" all His works.

The Lord is good.

He is good forever.

He is always with me.

His ways are perfect.

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1 Month Old

3 Weeks

Well, I did fantastic the first week and a half after Blaire was born. . . Then side effects from not taking nerve meds started kicking in. High blood pressures, headaches, vision being blurry, sleeplessness, restless body syndrome, super irritation/ frustration, and anxiery started to plague me. I got back onto my nerve medication and it's definitely helped but I'm not totally over the symptoms yet. I spent quite a few hours in L&D today to have my bp monitored. Even 140/108 isn't alarming to them so I gotta talk to Dr. C tomorrow at my 3 week follow up.... Whatever happened to the 6 week followup?! Who knows. Anyway. I've leveled out with my weight which is discouraging but not unexpected. I bought some pants today cuz none of my jeans from before fit yet =) Time to try and walk every day now. . . can you believe that 3 weeks ago I was completely unable to walk due to severe pain?! Now I can do single foot lifts off the floor with only weakness and not pain!!!!!

Blaire is doing great! Her appetite is increasing. For now we're feeding her as much as 2 ounces ever two hours unless she wants more or wants to stretch out. I'll work on scheduling her at 3/4 hours later on... She is so good! She can be a little bit fussy but it seems to be when there's a lot of noise around. She definitely needs some quiet time. Thankfully, Blake's enthusiasm for life doesn't bother her anytime at all!! =D

Blake loves his little sister... until she cries. Then he covers his ears and runs from the room! He is willing to give her her boba, help feed her, take her diapers out, and give her besos!! I love seeing them together!

Blaire is getting thinned out a bit and is such a perty little thing! I plan to take her first photos this weekend!!! Kara is coming and hopefully she will be able to help set up what I have planned in my head for the shoot.

2 Weeks Old +1 Day

So sorry I haven't update lately. Things have been crazy busy.

2 weeks old and Blaire has been released from the NICU!

She is home now and causing all sorts of ruckus! haha

We're back into the groove of baby days!

There are a few eager Aunties who like to help take care of Blaire while I'm running all over the place!

Today, Wednesday, Blaire and I went to meet Daddy for lunch & to buy diapers at Costco. 

For the first month or two we'll do disposable but then it's back to cloth! =D

She is definitely a 'boba baby' and loves the swing so far!
Her first night home, she slept in Grandma and Papa's bedroom and they fed her every 4 hours so I could "get some sleep". 

Too bad I had a bad night being awake for multiple reasons, except pain, and have been exhausted all day! Just breathing seems to wear me out today. It must be in the air because I've been told that I'm not the only wiped out!! And it's not even Blaire wiping me out! =D

9 & 10 Days Old

My list of things to do is a mile long and #1 & #2 consist of pumping as often as I can remember and going to visit Miss Blaire! Seeing how I started pumping 6 days after her birth I feel like pumping and getting a fair amount of milk is going pretty well. It can be discouraging to get just an 'itty bitty' amount, but I'm doing everything I know to increase the supply. 

Blaire takes after me in more ways than her smile...
When we give her milk, she guzzles it like you wouldn't believe! But when you introduce the (nasty & bitter) formula she clamps her mouth shut and squeezes her lips together so you can't get the nipple in! haha She's a stubborn little stinker for sure! Because she does so well with the milk, I'm researching on how to get a hold of a milk bank or something.. I've even considered making my own formula; a mixture of goat's milk, probiotics, and vitamins or so.

Her Morphine dose has been decreased again! She is now at 0.10mg and the doctors are ready to drop her completely off it (rather than drop her dose to 0.05mg) and see how she does. There is a white board above her bed which has a check list of things she needs to do before being released from the hospital. On that list are 2 items.

1. Get off Morphine
2. Drink all her bottles by mouth
   
   She's so close to both of those! There is still no timeline of when she can come home, but I'm anticipating it will be VERY soon! I can't wait to bring her home and hear her squeal and fill the house with cute noises!! Yesterday I took in an outfit for her. I didn't think it would fit her since it was a "newborn" size... I barely believed she fit in it! I'm thinking she looks bigger than she actually is. hahah!
   
   Since her Morphine has been decreased she has been much more alert. She has been yawning more, but that seems to be her only symptom of withdrawal. Talking with the nurses yesterday, I realized how BLESSED we have been to have such mild symptoms and for her to come off so easily (and quickly). There are babies on other floors of the hospital who are on an IV drip of 1mg per HOUR>>>> Blaire started on 0.25mgs every 4 hours.... I couldn't imagine watching my child deal with that kind of addiction/dependance. =(
   
   The NICU has some rules that include: Siblings over the age of 3 can visit in the NICU. All others need to be supervised in the lobby.
   
   We decided that Blake is close enough to 3 years and is very well behaved so it would be okay to take him to meet his sister. If the desk stopped us, then so be it... But they didn't even look our way when we walked in!
   Blake loves to talk about "baby beaw" and even cradles his little bear like a baby and talks to it! When we got him settled in the chair he wanted to hold her. Once she was in his arms he decided he was done and tried to push her off! We got him to take a picture or 5 and then I held Blaire while Blake looked on. He wanted to hold her again after a few minutes and reached for her. After that it was him giving her 'besos' and posing for more pictures =D
   He is older than Joseph was when Anna was born and I think it's awesome to have pictures of both Joseph and Blake with their closest/only sister =) When I put some pictures up, I'll need to put them both up, side by side.
   
   Blake looks so much like Joseph here... and Blaire looks NOTHING like Auntie Anna!!
   It's still hard to believe I have to munchkins to kiss, snuggle, and love!
   Have I mentioned that I can't wait for her to come home!? 

My recovery is going *fantastic*!!
Yesterday I spent a few hours in L&D for some high blood pressures. I've not really had any symptoms with it, but my doses needed to be adjusted. The doctor who was there for my delivery and 2 of the best nurses took care of/ came to see me.

The nurses couldn't believe how big Blaire was... "you weren't even big!"

My doctor said I looked like a totally different person. I was happy and smily, healthy looking and "so different than when you were pregnant!" Pretty much, pregnancy doesn't agree with me!! haha 

It was nice to see them (since they're the ones who actually took care of me) and have a little follow up, post delivery. My doc even got to meet Blake. He was a quiet stinker and wouldn't say 'hi' though. Oh well... He's getting in that stage where he gets a little embarrassed! 

Day of delivery I weighed 194.6 lbs.

11 days out from delivery I now weigh 162.8 lbs.

I'm 9 lbs away from my starting, pre pregnancy weight. and 19 lbs away from my goal. Seeing how my back and foot are doing so well, I'm hoping to start walking in a few weeks. It doesn't have to be far, but a little bit will do me good. For now, walking in the hospital is enough exercise for me. Carrying a heavy purse on my left shoulder is too much weight for my back so I'm trying to pack as little as I can into my purse which is quite difficult. Carrying snacks, juices, pumping supplies, a book, and other purse items, it can definitely get on the heavier side.

My foot is doing super well. I can have a few twinges here and there but they're so tolerable. It's not even considered pain!!!! 

This morning and 2 nights ago I was even able to make food in the kitchen and clean the dishes and everything up afterwards!! I haven't done anything (except make ...cold cereals =) in the kitchen since February when I went off my foot! It feels so good to get back to working and getting things done.

Next on my list of things to do...

Sweep the kitchen

&
Brainwash my children in Doctor Who (seasons 1-4) & Stargate

Life is Fantastic and is only getting Better!

8 Days Old

 Auntie Natalie got to come with me to visit Blaire today! Blaire is completely off the lights and even the "light blanket" that she has been wearing it under her shirt or blanket. We got to hold her for hours while she slept. I brought some milk that I'd pumped overnight and when it was meal time we gave it to her and surprisingly, she chugged all of it in no time at all! It was like she has had NO issues at all with feeding! I, Nat, and the nurse think it was because the milk was sweeter than the formula. At the next feeding she chugged all the goodness again! Such improvement!!!! If she continues to drink well then she will be home in no time at all! Her meds have been decreased again, sooner than they'd initially suggested. Because I'm bringing my milk they decreased the dose due to getting trace amounts through the milk, since I'm still on the meds too. Also, instead of giving the meds at 4 hour intervals they stretched her out to 6 hours since she was sleeping at the 4pm dose time. She ends to get irritable around the 5 hour mark but that's totally okay and they'll keep her on the 6 hour schedule =) I'm hoping she will be coming home super soon! Like, a week from now....

We're thinking Blaire looks like Moma in this picture!!

I asked her if she wanted to send a picture to daddy. Immediately, she smiled up a storm!! This is the 2nd or 3rd time I've asked her to take a picture for daddy and she grins for me! This was the first time I've been able to get it in a photo though! Her black hair is already turning brown. I think she'll be a blondie before she's 6 months, just like Blake!

Auntie Nat loved her visit! Blaire was very good to be alert and very responsive during our visit!

Blaire is 1 Week Old Today!

Today Miss Blaire ate too much and decided I was the one who needed to deal with it... So, she exploded her food all over my shirt, chair, and floor... Totally missing her clothes or blankets entirely! =) Aww Baby Smell! =D She isn't eating much by mouth so I think that is more of an issue rather than the withdrawals. She isn't having many, if any, symptoms at this point. They're most likely going to lower her dose again tomorrow, Wednesday.
At first I was not planning on pumping, but since she hasn't been eating well and tends to give faces as though what she is eating is not good, I decided to start pumping and see if it can help her at all. Surprisingly, I was able to get 2oz with my first pump. And, that's the first pump since birth! I was very surprised that I was able to get any milk at all since I've not pumped yet. Overall, during this afternoon, I got a total of 3.5oz... Hopefully tomorrow things will look up... I'll be researching how to help the milk come in, rather than how to prevent the milk!
At the hospital when I brought the milk in, the nurse had to contact the doctor to make sure my milk was usable. Since I'm on the Morphine and it comes in the milk, there was a possibility that I wouldn't be able to use it. Doctor gave the "okay" though so Blaire gets the sweet stuff! Hopefully it doesn't interfere with her current dosage of Morphine or her withdrawal symptoms.
Auntie Ash came to visit this evening and brought one of the "boba's" that Papa wanted her to have. We are trying to get Blaire to use it since her sucking is weak. She tends to do the "boba" well, but when it comes to eating, she is totally uninterested. She can't come home until she eats well... Blake was able to come home with a feeding tube, but since then, the hospital has discontinued the practice of sending babies home with the tubes. Some parents have accidently inserted the tube into the lungs rather than the stomach and the babies have died! I couldn't imagine going through that. It super sucks that Blaire wouldn't be able to come home until she eats well, but I can totally understand their policy... If it came down to it, I'd ask if we could take her home and if her tube falls out we would bring her to the hospital to get the tube inserted by a nurse... Maybe they'd go for that... Maybe... =)